Musings

Being angry at someone I love is right on top of the list of things I am truly horrible at. Emotionally, it is one of the most challenging things for me to handle. Some (probably Chinese) man, who evidently had his life in order, wrote thousands of years ago “If you are patient in that one moment of anger, you will escape hundred days of sorrow.” Honestly, retrospectively thinking about my experiences, I couldn’t agree more. Only a slight problem – it has been one of the toughest things to learn. 

Buddha would be appalled by how quickly I react, with lots of defensiveness and zero restraint. But as soon as I hit the send button, my anger gets re-directed towards my own self, for letting myself get bothered and for falling from grace. I know that instead of acting on it, I should have waited and done nothing till the feeling has less of a grip on me. But the urge to make someone realize that they are wrong about me is so strong. The urge to get someone to admit how they hurt me is a whole separate power struggle, and so, so futile. 

Expressing my anger to someone is generally a kind of uncomfortable encounter I want to avoid but I can’t when I have a great degree of psychological engagement with them. I know I need to allow myself to feel angry, feel hurt, feel irritated without always justifying it to be rational. But I have got to focus on building a safe space in my relationships where I can communicate it honestly. I need to practice forgiveness, for my own peace. I need to learn to put some space between my feelings and my actions. 

Of course, these situations tell me a lot about what I value in people I chose to keep in my life – humility, loyalty, softhearted tenderness among other things and teach me a lot about my own self which will eventually make me a better person. But I am growing another year older in less than a week, and its making me anxious that I haven’t learnt, yet, to protect my inner calm from even the smallest of things. I cannot blame anyone else, only I am responsible for my mental state. Hoping in my next year, I can act on all the things I already know. 

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